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What a gorgeous Thursday it is. And not just because Pete Hegseth is here. Yeah, he’s so hot, AOC wants to ban him along with gas stoves. He’s so hot, he could be my twin brother. I’m exaggerating. Anyway, I’m way hotter. We’re going to tackle the whole Biden classified document scandal in mere minutes. But first, let’s do this, shall we?
NARRATOR: The audience decides the story!
We’re the only show that does this probably for a reason. Here’s a refresher. I’m going to give you two topics, and whichever gets the most applause wins. Very simple. By the way, it’s the same way Pete picks out a Speedo, just opens the drapes. Nice, huh? All right, Topic one: Barclays has raised the US GDP in its first quarter forecast sees a mild recession led by the rise in private consumption. Okay, let’s hear your applause. Eh, not jazzed, I take it. All right, Here’s the second story. We’ve got an update on the Canadian high school teacher. Oh, well, I guess it’s out of my hands then. And it sucks. It sucks, I got to tell you. Because we actually had three qualified experts on remote to explain the economic forecast. I feel kind of bad. Look at them. Oh, well. Oh, well. Get lost, nerds. Roll it, Janet.
NARRATOR: If it happens up there, we report down here. You’re watching Gazoombagate, Canada 2023. Week 17.
Yep. It’s time to cover the other Golden Globes. As usual, here’s a quick mammary summary.
GREG GUTFELD: KEEP CONGRESS BUSY AND OUT OF OUR LIVES
GREG GUTFELD: She, was once a he, began identifying as female last year and started wearing massive prosthetic breasts to class. The school board still stands behind the teacher. No other choice. In the unlikely event of a water emergency landing, your shop teacher can be used as a flotation device. We’re trying to tackle this topic with some measure of professionalism, and that measure is 68 triple D. Is this truly a trans teacher or is it a prank that’s gotten way out of hand? The shop teacher was recently pictured in all her immense boobery, skydiving. This story is getting bigger and bouncier.
And that it is because now we have an update. The Halton District School Board in Ontario voted unanimously to ask its education director to develop a professionalism policy that includes a dress code. This, in response to the trans teacher who appears to identify as the Grand Tetons. You think such a code would already be in place, or at least, you know, instituted months ago. You know, in September, after this brave little show decided to tackle a story that basically scared off everyone else. Yeah, “Fox and Friends,” put that in your oatmeal and smoke it.
I mean, we’re talking large breasts here. How large? Well, the cast of “The View” likes to stand next to them to appear thin. We’ve been doggedly covering this story for months, and it took until now for a dress code to be drawn up. The trucker protest got shut down, shut down in weeks, but knockers the size of 18-wheelers outlast most marriages. But the long overdue policy might end up like “Basic Instinct” when it runs on network TV: completely watered-down. They take out all the good parts.
Because the director of education says the plan will be drawn up with the help of employment law firms “with human rights and equity advisers.” You know what that means? It’s going to suck. It means that anything that asks people to do something they don’t want to do must be obviously discriminatory. Says the superintendent, quote, “Even if a dress code is implemented for nondiscriminatory reasons, it would likely be found to be discriminatory.” What does that mean, you weirdo?
But it’s because you jerkoffs who really believe we can live on a planet where nobody’s feelings get hurt and where everybody has to agree on everything, and everything has to be decided by committee. Is it really so much to ask that teachers refrain from wearing prosthetic breasts so big they’re being considered as the site for the next Winter Olympics? Who would it discriminate against? Lactating hippos? In other words, you can now indulge a fetish in public in front of kids because wearing enormous prosthetic boobs is now a human right.
So what does that open doors to? Imagine a biological female teacher coming to work with a massive prosthetic penis strapped to her person. I’m imagining it right now. Well, good luck teaching Trig with that rig. But it’s time common sense prevails. That’s all we really want. Either way, the school board is expecting an interim report next month and a dress code policy in March. Until then, the utters that make you shudder, they aren’t going anywhere. And as sure as the Sun rises in the East and sets in the West, when it comes to giant boob stories “Gutfeld!” does it best.
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of Gutfeld! (weeknights, 11PM-12AM/ET) and co-host of cable news’ highest-rated program The Five (weekdays, 5-6PM/ET).